[Click thumbnail to view holiday greetings from my little loves. ;)]

May we always have courage enough to fight for our beliefs and ideals. May we never succumb to obstacles and pain. May we always live with honesty and sincerity.

Happy holidays!

12.16.08 | 8PM

Fa La La La La La La La La.

Christmas lights were shining. Merry tunes were playing. I leisurely walked home. I took a detour, not because I needed to avoid or run away. I took the detour to feel further at one with Nature. My toes and hands slightly frozen and my body a little shaken from the cold. But I saw beauty in the fogs forming each time I took a steady breath. Each breath reminded me of you.

To everyone who believed in my strength, I thank you.

To everyone who reached out and touched my heart, I thank you.

To everyone who has made me fall deeper in love with life, I sincerely thank you.

A.P. - Thanks for having helped me jump start my car and even replaced the battery. Yet, I’m sorry you did not leave a deeper impression than the passerby who offered to help and then minutes later left me stranded in the dark when he realized I couldn’t meet his demand of cash payment. I would have laughed had it not been for the cold air that froze my semi frown.

C. - Thanks for appearing in my nonsensical dreams to efface the nightmares I had. On a more serious note, I am indebted to your note taking.

E. - Thanks for enriching my study experience with your live piano accompaniment.

J. - Thanks for landing the ball on my head when I wasn’t looking. It didn’t hurt one bit.

J.V. - I’m grateful to have a compassionate friend like you, but please be assured your tears have been unwarranted. I nonetheless deeply appreciate them.

Professor L. - Thank you for the scholarships you’ve granted me.

M. - Although you hope for a different outcome, I thank you for having supported and strengthened my conviction. Thank you for reminding me of the reasons why you “admire TkN”. I needed that. I still do.

M.D. - Thank you for feeding me, constantly. lol. And I’m sorry I keep disappointing you with my inability to gain weight coupled with an ease in losing weight. Perhaps you’re right, I live run life on “slim mode”.

My neighbor - I cannot believe among the many times in which we’ve said “good night” and “take care”, I have failed to inquire your name. But thank you for coming to my rescue time and time again when I experienced car trouble. Thank you, as well, for helping me be a bit less ignorant of how cars work.

N. - Words alone cannot begin to express how wonderful your friendship (and perhaps “openly secret love”? :P) has been. You are beyond beautiful.

Winter - Thank you for the constant bitter cold days and evenings. Nothing like a windy -10 degrees weather to remind me I can weather any weather.

By the time I got home, I was singing Christmas tunes. Taking off my gloves and hat, I prepared hot chocolate in my favorite mug, wrapped myself in a cozy blanket, and realized:

Wherever I go, I know I will always be blessed with the nicest neighbors and friends.

Fa La La La La La La La La.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I took the one less traveled by

Yes, I can. No, you can’t. YES, I CAN!

//Please pardon the self-cheering session.

Ack, someone come rescue me. This is not pretty and I’m going senile. In other words: finals. But, I’m thinking about Christmas. Not a white Christmas; a green one. I’m also thinking about climbing up a mountain and then scream at the top of my lungs. (K. would join me and coerce me to never come back. haha) In other words, I’m thinking about everything BUT finals. Avoidance? TkN is avoiding? Unheard of! *whimpers*

Fran - I want to swap states! -9 is just unacceptable weather, even in MN-standards!

Nan - There’s a slight possibility I might not get to see you tomorrow. Your last day too! This is going to crush me. When we love and care deeply enough, nothing is impossible.

Hmm… I need socks.

Ack, I’m random and senile. For certain.

//Don’t worry. I’ll be fine in three days time. And I’ll be euphoric during the days following. At least, the plan is thus.

I think I can. Yes, I can. Oh, I know I can. All right, I will!

I must.

November 13th | Blame Me

I like to take the blame. If it’s between “external circumstances” or “I’ve made a mistake”, I choose to believe in the latter. I cannot control external circumstances, but I can control my own doing. Pointing the finger at myself allows me to bear the responsibility. And in turn, I can take charge of the situation and fix or improve matters, actively and directly.

I take the blame even when I am not the one who should be held liable/accountable. It doesn’t matter if I have to clean someone else’s mess. What matters is the mess gets cleaned. I do not heed attention to the “culprit” remaining unscathed as I took the blame on his/her behalf. I have never believed that life is fair and do not live to pursue its fairness. I desire accomplishments; I do not desire recognition. [That, of course, does not mean I don’t appreciate recognition if given. :P] I believe the best inquiry for others to work hard is by practicing said hardworking attitude.

A friend noted, “I personally like to blame it all on life because blaming myself is depressing.”

It gets stressful and depressing, yes. I do know this. I went through it. My eyes brimmed with tears during my five minutes break as I wordlessly asked “Why me, yet again?”. It was a moment of weakness. It was my silent protest that I’ve handled more than enough, that I, I deserve better. The moment was fleeting, however. Time spent wallowing up in self-pity can always be more wisely spent.

But, what human being does not desire to let the steam off its chest now and then?

Nan: Wait, let me get this straight. You’re annoyed at the situation and you’re ranting.

Nhi: Yes.

Nan: I could never tell! Your tone is way too calm. It has no anger. I’d be screaming! Your vocabulary says nothing about annoyance. Are you sure you’re upset?

Nhi: haha. Yes, I am upset.

Nan: But you know what I’m hearing? I’m hearing how selfless and considerate you are. You’re constantly looking at their perspectives and trying to be in their shoes. I’m not hearing from an annoyed person. I’m listening to someone completely understanding and selfless. You do this unconsciously. I know you can’t help it. You can’t even say no when people ask you a last minute favor and you have a million other things to do. You even prioritize them over your own to-dos.

Nhi: But a pushover, I am not.

Nan: ‘Course not. Nhi, you do so much good and I wish some good would return to you. And the people who took advantage of your selflessness, I hope they’ll get their just dessert one day.

Nhi: Life is not like a movie and I don’t count on it to have fairytale endings. What I can count on is what is in front of me - wonderfully supportive friends like you.

Nan: See! This is why I can never tell ever if you’re annoyed.

Nhi: Nan, I’m lucky to be able to express my view to you and to have you emote anger on my behalf.

Nan: haha. Okay, that works.

[Then Nan proceeds to ask me about “life questions” out of habit. :P]

November 1st | Tears - The Before and After

“For a woman, you are amazingly logical.”

[I of course did not take offense to the statement. It was not meant to be degrading. I also acknowledge that there is truth in the general consensus that most women are more emotional, and hence less logical, than men.]

He proceeded, “You’re a thinker. To you, every problem is paired with a solution. You’re calm, composed, and cheerful. I’m frankly taken aback. I cannot imagine what could have happened to make you cry and suffer insomnia.”

He is like a father to me. Yet, I couldn’t muster courage to address the true reasons for my tears. At the same time, I found it amusing at how completely shocked he appeared. As if all along, he perceived me as a human being made of steel.

In sadness, I cry. In frustrations, I sometimes cry. And I have also cried in responding to unexpected kindness.

In profound gratitude, I shed tears. I was so touched by the love you have given me that I cried after we hung up. Expressing appreciation vocally has always been my weakness. I believe my actions will speak louder than words. But I realize loudest is when actions are combined with spoken words. Thank you for persistently and actively helping me even when I stubbornly insist I’ll manage. Indeed, I’ll manage and I’ll be fine. But I cannot deny your help has eased my burdens and lifted some weights off my shoulders. I am more so grateful because I know you’re helping me in the best of your ability. And one day, I’ll tell you in person how immensely thankful I am. Formality is not needed between us, but let us not assume that we’re thankful for each other. Let us never assume.

When tears are my way to emote, I let them freely flow. After they run dry, however, I must address and assess the reasons for my tears from a logical standpoint and continue my pursuit(s) accordingly.

7AM. A text message received. I knew without looking who its author was and what its content would be. A friend who has never stopped showering me with affection in the “little things” she does, although she lives across the continent. Thanks, Marce.

October 29th marked six years since my belated brother passed away. How time has flown. And his image has remained vivid in my heart. I can see his smile and those eyebrows that are often furrowed in concentration. I can hear his laughter and the Beatles’ tunes he often hummed. Most of all, I recall his convictions, his ideals towards life, his commitment towards his community and society at large. I never meant to carry on his dreams. [I do not think I’d be capable of doing so. :P] But his story has continued to urge me to live my dreams, to pave for myself a path I could be proud of, to walk it and embark upon its detours, to acknowledge my dedications and devotions, and to address my strengths and weaknesses with integrity.

To me, October 29th is not his death remembrance. It is an emphasis of how beautiful the pursuit of life is. October 29th has long ago ceased to bring tears. Instead, I smile in the comforting knowledge of being loved by my friends and his. For the past six years, I routinely received e-mails from those who indirectly acquainted me through his perspective. Each year, I am reminded of having been his pride, his choice of topic in conversations. Each year, I am reminded of how much he had loved his little sister and the memories we shared.

And this 29th, I got up at 6AM with the confidence that tackling midterms and composing three papers in one day will be a “piece of cake”. Thank you for your loving thoughts, your dose of caffeine, and your white chocolates.

And now, I hope to pull my last all-nighter. <– That’s the coffee grinning on my behalf. lol.

Nhi talks weird when she is (severely) sleep-deprived. Nhi also has the tendency to talk in third person when sleep-deprived, as she’s losing a sense of self. Here, allow Nhi to further demonstrate:

- Nhi has taken a day off (after attending class) and simply rested in bed. Her body told her “Enough is Enough!” and her mind grew tired of cheering herself on. (What traitors! :P)

- Nhi is enjoying her heavy dosage of Vitamin C (orange juice) and pure water.

- Please please please do not let Nhi have the flu. Pretty please, with a cherry on top.

- Nhi owes Jaisy an abundance of love. But worry not, Nhi is keeping tabs.

- Nhi wants to smile for her brother ->

- Nhi has yet the chance to watch the third presidential debate, and she shan’t simply agree to news reports. She has her own mind and judgment. Nhi is not laughing at the political gaffes either, which leaves her brother wondering who she’s voting for.

- Nhi wants to know where she’ll be this Christmas.

- Nhi does not want to pay her bills. (Oh no, Nhi is talking irresponsibly!)

- Nhi is hopeful on many accounts. And yet, utterly hopeless on others.

- Nhi misses her Minnie Mouse band-aid. Or was it Mickey? lol. [In case your eyebrows are raised, Nhi was at the Institute of Child Development when she… somehow managed to slip down the wet stairs (owing to recent rainfalls). And here’s the most puzzling thing: she was taking the stairs up, not down. A klutz. A true klutz. :(]

- Nhi wants you to know she will always wish you well. [If you think this statement applies to you, it probably does. :)]

- Nhi shall respond to your comments on a later day, but wants to thank you for having left your footprints.

Time for self-indulgence is officially up! Now, back to routines. Friday awaits a busy and hardworking Nhi, pinky promise.